I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
You Might Also Like
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Can’t stop laughing
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Wise advice
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.