[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
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HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Rt to bother an English speaker