By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left