“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
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Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore