Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
You Might Also Like
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.