Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Finally!
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
favorite tropes as memes
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.