favorite tropes as memes
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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?