ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
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I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait