Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
A double negative is a big no-no.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”