wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
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my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Good news
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.