Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life