My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
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Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
December birthdays be like…