Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Has science gone too far?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
How I like cutting carbs
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.