Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
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Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.