You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
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Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.