that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
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I think I’ll stand
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.