[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
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Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Two types of dogs.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
The photographer’s assistant
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow