Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
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Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up