At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
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When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”