@RealDMK

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

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@Merman_Melville

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

@RandomAntics

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

@SaltyMacTavish

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

@OneStopComedy

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

@GFGander

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

@edgarrants

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

@GlennyRodge

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

@IvoryGazelle

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

@Laser_Cat

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

@KMoFlo_official

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”