That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
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Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I was just discussing this with my cat
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”