I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Stop sending me this shit.