“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.