I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
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2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
oh shit
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.