[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Very problematic
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s