All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
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artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People: