Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
You Might Also Like
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous