I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city