Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
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Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Leaving the Barbers like
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Before & after 😅
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”