Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
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6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.