My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.