My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free