“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Good morning
We decided to have money instead of children.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk