My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
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I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets