Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
How to draw a duck
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I am also baked goods
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.