My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
You Might Also Like
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
grotesque if literal: baby food
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
necessity is the mother of invention
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.