i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer