Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
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[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
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Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Ugh
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?