“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
You Might Also Like
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
She was REALLY feeling it.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Mouse
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Passwords are more important than ever.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Pickled cat.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure