Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.