👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.