Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
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You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
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43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor