Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
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DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.