The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
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Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.