*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
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Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
それは草
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My ideal weight is five million dollars
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.