Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.