Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
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5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.