Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
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You saw nothing. I am ham.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I don’t make the rules sorry
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.