A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before