My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
![]()
You Might Also Like
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
even bears disappoint their mothers
![]()
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
peep davidson
![]()
![]()
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.