My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
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My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Classic German Shepherd 😂
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*