“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
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daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade