daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
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[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.