I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
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Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
All excellent questions
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
this is the news I live for
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).